What a year.......
Updated: Jan 3, 2019
Just because I'm ready for a new year, doesn't mean I didn't value this one. Even if it was the hardest year of my life so far.
I read a quote from my friend this morning that summed up the way I feel about this year.
"In order to be a light, you must be willing to burn"
What I take form that is;
Pain and loss are inevitable, but if you aren't willing to use those hurts to see the good, to see how you can grow, to help yourself and others be more in alignment with what God want's for you, then you will always miss the joy. Because you can find joy in ANY situation. Trust me, ANY situation.
In March of this year my step dad, who I grew up with and was married to my mom for 25years, decided he could no longer be here on this earth. His pain was too much, and he decided to take matters into his own hands.
It's been no secret that my family is the most dysfunctional, loving, transparent brood of incredible humans, but this was something none of us were actually prepared for. It rocked us in ways none of us could ever be prepared for.
This was the start to the theme of this year for me..... The year of loss.
It's an incredible thing, death. It can bring out the best, the worst, the emotional, the childlike, the unity, and the isolation in people. It most definitely changes a family dynamic as well, which is a whole other feeling of loss. I haven't been public about it (I know, not Unfiltered, sorry) because I wanted to be able to wrap words around my feelings before I laid them out there for the world to see. Suicide can bring a lot of anger, pain, abandonment, sadness, and then for me....... back to anger again, all in the matter of a few minutes. It can take a while to get to grief.
I'm not saying that I have it all together now and that's why I'm putting it out there, but I do know that I'm ready to not allow the affects of my dad's decisions to impact me negatively moving forward. I want to remember the good and leave the bad for my therapist. lol. PS. My therapist is amazing, and I highly recommend finding one you can trust to help you through ANY situation that brings you grief.
Loss..... It can be physical, emotional, and relational. Sometimes you lose a relationship without being a part of the decision at all. People decide that you aren't either valuable enough, or needed for their life anymore. I felt that this year as well, with a couple of relationships. Fault of my own? Maybe, but the relationships were gone before I had an opportunity to own what I may have needed to apologize for. Fault of theirs? Also a maybe, but out of my control for sure, and that's the hard part.
Being a child of alcoholics, and having co dependent tendencies, the feeling that someone doesn't like you or want you, can be almost unbearable. It can bring up painful issues from childhood that physically hurt your heart. It can make you feel worthless. (I know so dramatic) I mean, regardless of your upbringing, I think those feelings may hurt anyone.
But this year, what it helped me to realize is, how incredibly blessed I am to have an overwhelming amount of relationships with people who DO value me. Who see my heart and put me as an important part of their lives. The loss can help you to see what you do have.
The loss can help you to realize, that harping on the pain can take away from the present.
Loss...... it can be in the form of change as well. When your normal changes, you mourn the loss of that normal and have to find a new normal.
This year my very best friend, sister in christ, worshipper, and rock of my emotional status ( I know, big shoes, lol) is starting a new venture, that takes her out of the every day, day to day, that has been our normal for the last 12 years. I feel like I "grew up" with her as a staple in my everyday, and now that is changing. Our relationship will never end, but now, it's different. Can you relate to that?
It seems super sensitive probably, especially in isolated events. But when you stack all this up in just a few months, and then add
weaning your toddler
and life, it starts to feel like you're being swallowed up.
So how do you find the joy?
God is SO SO good, and I'm reminded of that through this horrific year on a daiy basis.
He gave me a family that loves me.
He has created new relationships, not to replace but to enhance what was.
He brought me a new incredible music venture with two humans who I never could have planned a better match with in Three Daughters Music.
He strengthened and blessed a growing relationship with my mom, who is finding a complete new normal herself, and has allowed her to be the best Grandma in all the land.
He allowed my husband an opportunity to be my emotional rock. Not that he was never capable, he just never had to be, does that make sense? Because of this pain, our relationship has gone to new depths and really strengthened who we are as a unit.
He has reminded me of the incredible village of friends we have, who don't ever allow us to question our value, but rather continue to build us up.
He reminded me of my worth, that I am capable of anything that He wants me to pursue and reminded me that if I ask Him on a daily basis, He will guide me in the right direction.
He reminded me of my need to be a light.
That no matter what happens to us, we cannot let it define us. We must take it, work through it, and use it to help others know that without a question of a doubt, that they are also valuable.
This is the year that is helping me to swallow my pride and own up to anything that I need to own. To show others that although I have to maintain healthy boundaries, I hold no grudges and replace hardship with prayer and encouragement.
I have never been more secure in knowing that God has an incredible and unique plan for each and every one of us. Not a single one of us is intended to have the same exact experiences, talents, or feelings. We are all unique and destined for our own greatness.
If you, for even a second have had feelings of doubt, feelings that you may be less than, reach out to me or someone else you feel safe with. If you have any feelings against me that have hurt your heart, please please reach out to me so that I have an opportunity to apologize.
You are not alone, and no matter the issue, I love you and want nothing but the best life possible for you. Matthew 5:23-24 So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.
You guys, a new year is upon us, and we have an opportunity to see it for it's possibilities! We have an opportunity to help others see their potential and unite for the sake of love and perseverance .
Here's to a new year!
God bless you!