Uggggghhhh. I started writing this chapter last night. I have chapter outlines that I wrote when I started the book process, and so I sat and stared at this chapter outline for like 15 minutes before I could even start writing. I was paralyzed for a moment.
I thought
"How can I possibly inspire other woman to accept the beautiful, strong, and functional bodies they have if I don't always accept my own?"
In that moment I felt like a complete hypocrite. It's hard for me to accept who I am when Im not exactly where I want to be.
We aren't just talking about physical appearance here.
I am talking about my career
How many people am I actually reaching?
How can I contribute more financially to my family?
Am I really ready to have another baby?
Why haven't I put any new music out in two years?
I need to be writing more!
I need to be doing more!
Does this narrative sound familiar?
It almost seems as if it's never going to be enough. Although I know my husband would love more of a financial contribution ( I mean, who wouldn't?) I know that these expectations and pressures are all put on me by yours truly. I do this to myself.
Why?
Well, how much time do you have? LOL
Seriously though....My rational brain can go back in hindsight and tell you why I do things like this. But the emotional little girl inside is constantly unsatisfied with what is right in front of me.
Here is a glimpse into my dysfunction for a moment:
I felt that love was performance based as a child, I have co-dependent and controlling tendencies, I'm a perfectionist, I am a people pleaser, I have a fear of completing something because I have a HUGE FEAR OF FAILURE!
Honestly the list goes on and on. I could probably add 10 more things without having to try too hard. However, it's just recently that I realized the driving force, the repeating pattern.........impacting others.
I want to reach and impact as many people as possible. To lift the veil of unrealistic expectations, even if you have put them on yourself. To help people realize that they can truly enjoy natural life changing health that feels better than a diet or fad could ever feel. Most importantly, to help people realize that they are NOT ALONE in their struggles and fears.
You would be absolutely shocked to know how many other people share your same fears and insecurities. We go walking around seeing other people who seem like they have it all together and on the inside, they are just as, if not more screwed up than we are.
A reminder that
"Everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle"
Can you imagine what the world would be like if we all had signs around our necks with our deepest fears and insecurities written on them? How safe would you feel knowing that the other mom at church who you constantly compare your outfits to, wishing that you had HER post baby body, had similar fears and insecurities that she struggles with just the same. It would connect you.
Woah! Connection. Our transparency can connect us guys!!! I mean, don't you even feel a little closer to me now knowing that I'm potentially more screwed up than you?! LOL Im sorry I have to laugh at that, because I can now. There was a moment in time where I was ahamed of my baggage. Now, Ive realized that it gives me a purpose and responsibility. I'm proud of who I am, not in spite of, but because of what I have been through and what I still struggle with almost everyday.
Acceptance. That's what acceptance looks like to me. Accepting that I may never be completely satisfied with what I look like or what I've accomplished. But accepting that I am who I am because of it, and that I have purpose.
My prayer for you today is that you feel that you are not alone in your struggles, and If you feel alone, you don't have to, you have support. As always, reach out to me or start a conversation in the comments below.
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.